Have you tried to sit in front of your laptop, with headphones on, stare at the computer screen showing a movie you actually don't like or doesn't care about?

You watch it hoping it will make you cry. But it is not about the movie.
It is the scenarios in your head you hope too forget.

Weird is there are parts of the movie that suddenly come interconnected with the scenarios in your head which makes you swallow air, then the pain in your chest grows bigger and bigger..

You want to cry but there's nothing there.
Memories play...
Play..

If you want to leave, just leave.
Don't bid goodbye.

Not A Love Letter

I have known you in a way I am well aware I would not let myself know someone again.
You asked me why I never looked into your eyes. I guess, I know this thing won't last.

I remember how you pulled my chin just so I would look at you. But I refuse to do so.
The same way my heart refuse to fall, deeply.

We walked for a long time. Talked about nonsense to deep ones until we reached the climax.
Pushed each other until we gave up.

You said I should not stay too close to a drowning man.
You were right about that. But you have forgotten one thing:
I already got drowned the moment I saw you.

Now I am here sitting, thinking about "The Planet of the Apes".
Of course, I am kidding. You are in my mind.
That I am already letting go, now.

I will never forget when we had a "sweet" dinner in MOA.
How we had a "romantic" breakfast.
Of course, the exceptional vomit came through my mouth while we're in the jeep.
How you calm me and took care of my vomit.
How you graciously throw it along with the other trash.
Same as what happened to this sweet, romantic, exceptional relationship of ours.

I vomited, you took care of it, then throw in the trash.
I am sorry for vomiting Love. Yours, I may add.

Au revoir.

The lights went on but I feel the opposite in my heart.
The weather made it more heavy to weight by my lost mind.
I felt the sudden urge to pray and talk to God.
As soon as my class ended I decided to go to church only to find out it is closed.
Subconsciously, I am aware it is. Maybe I just want to walk and think.


I keep wondering why and how the human mind can fall in love with someone who is not deserving or with someone we can't reach. Yeah, like a high school student who wonders about love. But what I hate on walking while raining is the water that gets in my shoes. Just knowing it is contaminated with human saliva and dog poop, I regret this walk and think shit. It is absurd I know having love in my brain when what I should do is to study but who can stop the heart anyways? Most of the time, we do the less right thing more than the socially must do reality.


Its just that.....
Lately, I can no longer fake a smile.
I miss smiling that meet my eyes.
I haven't connected to any human being lately.
Physical connection is common.
Mental connection is rare.

That may be all I need
In darkness he is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me...

Nawalan ng kuryente saktong alas tres, Ngayon-ngayon lang.

Kanina pa may tumutunog sa baba. Gusto ko sanang malaman.

Naiinis na ako. Gusto ko ng babain.

Pero paano? Sobrang dilim.

Gusto kong buksan ang emergency light pero tinatamad ako.

Magnanakaw kaya yun? Syet.

Sana naman hindi.

Habang tinatype ito, nagdadasal na lang ako.

Bumalik sa ala-ala ko nung magpaalam ka.

Gusto kong sabihing wag ka umalis.

Pero gaya ng pagtatago ko ngayon,

Isa pa din akong duwag tulad noon.

All of a sudden I feel calm inside my dark room. I feel like I want to go to Luneta Park on Tuesday on my own. No, I'm not lonely. I don't hate people as well. I just enjoy thinking alone. Hahaha! As I was saying, I want to be on my own at Luneta Park. Read a book perhaps.

But can I share a little secret?

On my four years here in Valenzuela City........

I never learned to ride the LRT alone.

I never went to a bar or a club.

Yeah.. I know how boring I am but proud I never went to a bar. :P